Tell Her You Love Her

I don't know where to start so I've just added a bunch of photos from the last days of school and the past week.

Went to a place called Tender Greens in Pasadena on Wednesday with the family. Was a nice change. Everyone was happy.

My bro dad.

Went to a gallery that my school owns in Hollywood to check out my friends' work.

After the gallery, I went to a concert.

Coldplay was great. The energy in the audience was greater. I can only describe this concert as a huge party. HUGE party. It was so much fun.

Went to see the Avengers with my friends. My wallet wearing my 3D glasses. I hate 3D.

Hawkeye giving us a quick lesson before the movie begins.

New wallpaper.

Sent this to my dad.

Ponchik came to visit me.

La Chouffe.

Cutting my boards on the ground.

The aftermath.

Final presentation pinned up.

The morning of my final.

My socks got wet after I walked to school in the rain. My friend brought me dry ones for me to wear.

My lovely notes to my bro.

It's been two weeks since my final presentation. It's been weird adjusting to 'normal' life. I've only thought of studio since I came back from India and now there is this emptiness. This semester has been one of the best I've had. I learned a lot but more importantly, I grew more confident with not only school stuff but in communicating and meeting new people. I've made some wonderful friends this semester and every time I think about them, a smile creeps up on my face.

The problem I'm having now is getting reaquainted with the friends I already had. I miss my school friends because they know what I've gone through because they've done it themselves...we did it together. My family understands it as well to a certain degree. They had to eat dinners without me and went sometimes a week without seeing me because I was working in studio. They understand that side of it. They brought me food when I was hungry and offered their support...they knew I was doing something important and helped me as much as they could. It was difficult being home after my final because I became extremely bored. I wanted to go back to school and just talk to my friends. But I've since then gotten more used to spending time at home just reading or drawing. It's nice learning how to take it easy again.

The friends I've already had have been great, but I don't connect with them the way I used to before. Their lives are so different from mine. They have the luxury of waisting their time at hookah lounges for hours every day of the week and I can't relate to that. They seem to be stuck doing the same thing every day...hanging out with the same people everyday...going to the same parties everyday. They all do it and it's normal to them but for me looking in, it's not normal at all. I didn't relate to that stuff before this school business but now, more than ever, I feel disconnected from them. I love seeing them because I love them but something feels strained.

It's been almost a year (I don't remember the exact date anymore) since the person I love the most broke my heart into millions and millions of pieces. It's been a tough year trying to cope with the loss and trying to reason with myself that everything will be okay. I'm still not 100% okay and I don't think I will be for a good while since my feelings towards that person are the same but I've grown a lot stronger. I'll have days when I won't think about it at all and only have happy thoughts and feel as if I can do anything and then I'll have days where certain people or things trigger the memories to come rushing and I'll find myself crying in a corner somewhere. It's tough dealing with those extreme feelings but there isn't much I can do to control those occurrences. When it happens I just let myself cry, I hug my crocodile, I'll listen to something happy - anything to ease the aching that is always always there no matter what I do.

During studio, I didn't suffer as much because I was forced to think about school and I interacted with people who had no connection to him. Now, however, my mind is free from the burdens of school and so it wanders where it wants to and causes problems. My old friends are unaware of my feeling so I can't speak to them openly and that isolates me more. They probably see no difference when they talk to me.

I've been reading a lot to try to distract myself. I've applied to a couple of internships and have already planned a schedule for making my new portfolio. I want to cram as much as I can into this summer to make the best out of everything and to make up for all I lost last summer, locked inside of my room, crying for weeks.

I've been imagining things for myself as a way to look forward to the future. I want to be a good person doing work I'm content with. I want to figure out new ways of helping my mom and being a better support for my dad. I want to reconnect with my sister. I want to get away from here more and more and see and experience new things instead of doing repetitive activities. As much as I love my friends, I want to do the complete opposite of what they are doing now.

I'm not completely sure what it is that I'm writing. I have so many thoughts and feelings inside of me that need to come out. I guess I'm just trying to sort everything out by writing here. I'm sorry if it seems random and makes little sense! I'm just defragmenting my brain with this.

My focus is to be happy and healthy. I'll get there.

My eyelids are becoming heavier and heavier. Time for me to say good night <3