Figuring out myself

Since I've been back from India things have been fairly unstable. I got sick and missed a lot of school and now I'm spending every moment trying to catch up. I feel healthy now but my neck and back aren't doing so well. I can't turn my neck side to side and I have a constant back ache. I've made an appointment with a chiropractor so hopefully I'll be back to being flexible soon~ Even though school has been tough and making all of the deadlines has been a challenge, school isn't so bad. My studio classmates are really wonderful and nice. When I went back to school after being gone, they helped me out a lot. I think I'll be caught up in a week or so~

At home things have been different. My mom was feeling better when I left for India but when I came back, she felt more distant and not like herself. She has been in a lot of pain lately and we don't know what the cause is (like always). After all of these years, not one single doctor has been able to tell us what is wrong with her...they just refer to Parkinson's but her symptoms are so different. We are getting worn out. All of us have other things to do...because that is life, but we also have to constantly think of her and help her out which we gladly do, but when her medicine turns her into a different person who just unleashes all of her sadness and anger on us, we don't know what to do. All of our plans are made around make sure she will be okay. Sometimes plans are made and then broken because she wasn't feeling well. I'm not upset with her because none of this is her fault, but I get upset sometimes because I'm tired of this situation.

On Thursday I was at my parents office helping them dad is under a lot of stress and I want to do everything I can to make things easier for him. He has grown so tired these past couple of months and it scares me. I try to crack jokes whenever I can or just be there if he wants to talk to someone because he feels so isolated. I try to be his friend because he doesn't have anyone. Our relatives and family friends rarely come to our house because of my mom's condition and it hurts. When you need help the most, nobody is there for you. My sister and I comfort each other when we are sad because nobody understands what's going on with us. They tell us "hang in there, everything is going to be okay" but we know it's not. My mom's condition is going to worsen and we can't do anything about it. I want my mom to be there when I'm older and play with my kids if I ever have any....but it just seems like a dream....something that I know is not going to happen. My sister, dad, and I are like the Triforce (zelda reference). We each have strengths and weaknesses and we lean on each other so our family doesn't get torn apart. It's difficult to handle my mom, but as long as us three are okay, we can do it I think.

I wish I only had to worry about school and be more carefree. I've sacrificed a whole lot of things because of my family's situation and I regret it a lot. I would spend a lot of time alone and just think about what to do. I would isolate myself from people because smiling and having fun felt wrong and I felt guilty for going out and I felt that I always had to be home to take care of her. I regret not standing up for myself when I felt like I needed a break. I regret how I dealt with relationships and not standing up for myself when people I trusted were taking advantage of me. I am a person too and I deserve to be happy.

My self worth has been nonexistent this past year. I often feel like I'm not good enough in all aspects of my life. I feel like I've become easily replaceable by people I held so close to my heart. Today I told a close friend that I didn't feel special and people who leave me seem to find quick substitutes and he told me " You don't know how things are going to come together very soon. You have no idea how priceless and beautiful you are. Too bad I'm gay."

His message prompted me to write this post. He believes in me and never gives up on me no matter how depressed and angry I get. If he believes I am good, then I have to believe it too. I am special. I am awesome in my own weird ways~ And I have to remember that I am awesome <3

I want to be as happy as I possibly can. I want to do the things I love with people I love and that love me. I don't know how my family life is going to be in a few months, but I want to be happy even when I deal with the most troublesome things.

<3 good friends are hard to find