Thursday Night Feelings

I'm not sad. Just a little emotional. 

My mom was sitting on the couch in the guest room, alone with her dress awkwardly around her neck, not pulled down. She was having a hard time putting it on. And then I guess she just forgot what she was doing or she got lost in her own thoughts. She was staring at something intently, so I tiptoed to the other side of the room and noticed Laika lying down on the floor looking up at her. They were staring at each other. Laika can’t speak to us cause she’s a dog and my mom can’t speak properly for us to understand her cause she has Parkinson’s. They are on the same level.

It’s moments like this where all the anger and resentment I feel towards her washes away. It’s a sweet moment for me because it shows that no matter what, I still have love for her and it makes me feel better about myself. The feeling sounds dumb when I try to explain it with words, but sometimes I don’t feel like a good person around her. I get frustrated. I get tired of her antics. I just get tired and I want to stay away from her. Far, far away. 

When she’s like this, however, I feel that bit of sweetness, but it is always followed by sadness for her. She is lost in her own mind and there’s nothing I can do about it. She helpless and sometimes she realizes just how helpless she is. It's frightening. 

She suddenly looked at me and I got startled cause I was lost in my own thoughts. She looked worried so I put on a happy face and started chasing my dog around the house to make her smile. She smiled.

I helped her wear her dress and she thanked me for it. She tried to tell me something about her day but I could barely understand, so I just nodded. I sat her down next to my dad and then I went to my room and cried a little.

Here I am now. I’m not sad. Just a little emotional.