Heart Hugs

I have no idea where to begin, so I'm just going to write my thoughts out as they come to me. Bare with me!

First of all, thank you guys so much. Your words warm my heart when it is the coldest. Even when I write emo crap that makes me cringe when I read it a few days later, you guys tell me the most wonderful things. I have never met any of you, yet you are like my bros. I can't begin to describe how I feel. I love you guys.

This summer has been one of the worst and I have been so unbelievably sad. I have never cried so much in my life time as I have these past months. It's been bad because it has made me doubt so many things about myself. My confidence, energy, passion, and emotions just sunk so low that life became tasteless. I haven't had the desire to do anything at all. Just cry and cry and cry and cry some more. I am so deeply hurt that I am afraid of doing anything. Everything else becomes a huge burden. If something bad happens at school, my bitterness is only amplified because of my original sadness. It's horrible and I started hating myself for being so ridiculously sad. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way. When you feel so much love for someone and something goes terribly wrong, it's hard to control your emotions. It's been a heavy weight on my heart and I am having a tough time functioning like a normal person. I am not the best writer and I have a hard time explaining how I feel with words, so I try to paint to express myself but unfortunately, that hasn't helped me feel any better. I have isolated myself from people and I feel very alone and it depresses me. I don't want to socialize with anyone, but I want someone around me because I'm afraid of being alone. I have always had guy friends and they have been great, but I have always secretly wished for a girlfriend who is like a sister. But I have such a hard time opening up to girls because of past incidents, but I wish I had a girlfriend who would drive over and pick me up and let me cry and hug me and give me advice. I have never had that in my life and for that reason, I keep my problems to myself and they eat away at me.

I'm not okay and I don't feel like I'm going to be okay for a long while, but your kind words really make me happy even thought I am sad.  I cry whenever I read your touching words and they make me want to be happy again, like how I used to be.

Amazing things are happening to people around me. They are happy and I envy their happiness. But a good envy. I want to be happy too. I want to use all that positive energy that they are emitting to help me focus on myself and become a happy person.

It's hard and I know I'll relapse and be an emo loser maybe right after I write this (because it happens constantly), but writing this post will be a reminder that occasionally I have happy thoughts and that I need to give them my attention every now and then.

I'm grateful for everything I have in my life. My goal for the rest of my life is to be happy.

Thank you guys so much. Please accept my heart hugs <3

(please excuse my bad grammar/spelling errors if you read them. i am lazy right now).

PS. I bought Carl Sagan's book, Cosmos, today.....and it made me happy <3