November 2...

I'm surprised how my brain manages to remember the usernames and passwords to all the diffrenet accounts I have everywhere. I haven't logged in here to post in a while...and for a split less...I forgot my username...but then suddenly my fingers started typing again. It is 4:46am and I have just gotten home from school. I have a midterm for studio tomorrow. I have worked on this since Friday....I'm relieved that I am done and that I only have to wake up now and get myself to school without rushing to the printers. I printed at 9:35pm.

Printing is a bitch. Everyone wants to print at the same time, so the plotters get stuck...and then you don't get your print in time = you are screwed. So now I try to print a day in advanced. It works great...I just don't like it when I have to stop drawing even when I'm not done..just so I can print.

Last week I had a review and I thought I was well prepared and that things were gonna go well, but they didn't. All the excitement I had for school went away in two minutes. I was so depressed, that I came home and started watching Sailor Moon. I have re-watched the first two seasons in less than a week. It cheered me up a lot.

I cut my finger...cut/scraped it at the same time and at just hurt and then a minute later, I look at my finger and there is blood everywhere. I need to be more careful. I am not very good at making models. I don't like making models very much...I think it's cause I suck at making them. What I dislike the most is making site models. I hate cutting cardboard...I hate the smell of cardboard...and the color of cardboard. I have way too much cardboard at my apartment. I feel bad for my sister....there is cardboard eveywhere. But she knew, before we moved, that this was gonna happen.

I have lived here for little over a week now. It is okay...nothing special. We aren't cramped at all...It's a small place, but we don't move around a lot...the kitchen is the only place where you feel like there is no room..but other than that, everything is okay. Our neighbors are not okay though. I don't know what they do at nights..but it creeps me out. A bunch of men go downstairs and just walk around in the parking lot...waiting for cars to come into the garage. They talk to each other for two minutes, then the car leaves the garage and five minutes later another one comes in. During the neighbors like to yell a lot. I'm not sure if I feel safe here....but whatever.  A friend of mine from school gave me pepperspray tonight for when I was walking home. I thought it was really sweet. I know it's super late to walk home a lone...but it's so nice. When the sun is not there...when it's cold and breezy...I could walk forever. I like walking cause it's the only time where I can just think and not worry about doing anything else. There are so many things that I worry about...when I walk, I get to sort through my problems.

At school I try really hard to seem happy. I have two close friends at school. I am closer to one than the other, but they are both very sweet and I am happy I can say that I have to friends at school. I have never been one to have friends at school. I keep to myself a lot. I think I like people from a distance...I appreciate people, but I can't be around people for long. I get tired trying to come up with things to say...cause small talk does not come to me naturally. I suck at it. When I talk to somebody, I can feel myself coming out from my body and watching my physical self becoming super awkward and stuck. I have gotten better, but it stresses me out. With these two people, I feel at ease...I feel better about school. When I am at school, I usually think about my dad...I wonder how they are doing...I wonder if my mom is in pain or not. All of those thoughts make me really sad. And even though I try to hide my sadness when I'm at school...sometimes I don't do a good job and people can tell something is wrong with me.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be if my mom was not sick. If I didn't have to take all these extra steps because I am in this situation. I wonder if my school work would be better....At the apartment I get very lonely...My sister is always skype-ing with her friends and I'm making stuff for school. I aways go to be before her (except mondays and thursdays) and I just lie in my bed for over and hour just thinking. It's so tv...just me and my brain. That's when I start having sad thoughts about my parents, friendships, school. Other days, my sister is at school...I am at the apartment alone doing studio work. I feel like I never get to go out from this place. Hopefully I will, after my review is now 5:12am....I am super tired...falling asleep...forcing myself to stay awake so I'll get even more tired and then go knock out in my bed.

Something completely random...I wish I never shared this blog with a certain person. I know it's silly to talk about this...but when you are good friends with feel like you can tell them anything...and share anything. Then things go wrong and now I feel stuck. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself.

AHH. I wrote a lot. I am sorry~ I haven't talked to anyone so I just had to get things out. I haven't read through what I I am sure there are loads of errors. I am sorry again ;___;

 It is now 5:31...I need to go to bed~ I have to wake up in three hours~ I hope you are all doing well and are healthy and happy <3 Please wish me luck for tomorrow~ Good night/morning <3<3<3