A Big Change

So things have been very bad at home for me. Trying to juggle the stress from school and home is getting too much for me. My mom has been doing "okay" but she is constantly on medication and it makes her super hyper and aggressive. It's become hard for me to live with her because she starts yelling whenever she is upset. She has emotional problems due to her childhood. Her parents favored the older kids more than the younger one and she needs attention..still. Now that she is on medication, all her anger and sadness comes out and us three (my dad, sister, and I) I unfortunately the ones that she unleashes on..all the time. She won't say a peep in front of others...but when the doors are closed...she turns really mean. Ever since I was younger I have had issues with her, but I never tried to tell her off and go against her. I just went into the shadows...testing her mood to see if it was okay to come out. As I got older, the more tired I got...and the louder I got. I have had so many arguments and fights with her...I can't count. I have had to deal with her being sick since I was 16, but I have been dealing with her controlling and perfectionist ways since I was a child. This year..2010..has been the worst year of my life. I have been holding in so much...I am surprised that I am not gone. I have been worried about where to spend the night...how I'm gonna finish homework, is my sister doing okay..is my dad doing okay? and the list just goes on and on. We are all hurt...but the problem is that she is never gonna get better...and my dad thinks she is just gonna get worse. She becomes very paranoid when she takes these meds. She no longer trusts us. Sometimes, when she is weaker she will tell me that she loves me...but then..she turns into this monster...and I used to go back and forth...telling her "i love you to mom" to "i hate your guts". And I can't go back and forth anymore...cause my heart is breaking. All this has been going on in my life and very few people know. Only a couple of super close friends...and most just know that my mom has Parkinson's but not that my life is being torn apart every day. I spend my days locked up in my room doing studio homework..trying to drown out her voice by listening to music. My dad always tells me to not take the things she says personally, but it gets hard sometimes.

Yesterday she was complaining to my dad...and i could see that my dad was busy paying the bills...and she kept complaining and complaining...so i got really annoyed and told her to stop. Then she started arguing with me saying that my dad has turned my sister and I against her and that he has been planning that out for years...some bullshit that makes no sense. She started yelling and would burst into my room saying means things to me. She kept saying "thank you so much for being such a wonderful daughter. i can't wait till you have kids of your own and they ruin your life...etc..etc." Then she said "i can't wait till your birthday...I'm gonna give you the best birthday present..."...she was being super sarcastic and it really hurt my feelings. I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe...my sister always runs to my side and helps me out. She has this entire year...I get really bad anxiety attacks..or breathing problems...I dunno what it is...but she helps me raise my arms and calm down. We stayed in my room and my dad would come take my mom out every time she burst in. This all started at 1 AM. I went to bed at 4.

My dad decided that the best option for us is if my sister and I move out. So that is what is happening...I am so scared. Because all of these feelings are still fresh inside me. I am nervous about school...right now I walk to school...it takes me about 15 to 20 minutes to get there. If we move far away, I won't be able to get to school fast since my sister needs the car. I am also scared of leaving my dad....I know that I am 22..well turning 23, but because of all these troubles throughout my life...I feel like a little kid. Sure I have been strong enough to help my dad and sister, but I have always been that scared little girl. I am scared for my dad. I overheard him on the phone this morning..talking to his doctor. He told him "i have been feeling this pain in my left arm since last night...do you think I should be worried?". I have never thought of my dad as superhuman...I know he can break down...but I am scared of it. I always try to do things with him...I talk to him every night about my projects...ask for his opinion about everything....share random facts about the universe with him...he is my buddy. He likes all the things I like...and to not be able to talk to him whenever I want scares me. And I know he is not gonna be happy with my sister and I gone. He is gonna be miserable...he has told me...but he says it's for our own good. It's not fair that I have to be separated from my dad like this. Under these circumstances. I have always wanted to live on my own...but not like this. There is so much sadness in me right now. I am so sad.

My sister saw an apartment today with one of our friends. She said it will be perfect for us. My dad and her are gonna go check it out on Wednesday to see if the location is good. We don't have a lot of money, so we must save a lot. My sister hasn't started school yet so she said she is gonna try to find some work on campus. I'm trying to think of ways to make some money as well. We'll see what happens.

So yeah...this is what's happening in my life. I can't believe this is my life anymore. My life has been turned up side down...and it feels really sad.